JAY-Z AND BEYONCE WORRY ABOUT KANYE WEST

“It happened, Jay. It happened just as I dreamed it would...

Fri, 29 Mar 2013 00:26:48 -0400

“It happened, Jay. It happened just as I dreamed it would happen. Kim is humongous. She’s huge. I know, I know… I sound like a soulless contributor to a cultural discourse that publicly and shamelessly attacks women’s bodies for doing things that women’s bodies are supposed to do. I mean. I know. I guess— you know what, Jay, she’s glowing, she’s fucking glowing, and she’s radiant, and— god, I cannot wait to meet this baby. This baby can’t get here fast enough.”

5000+ FOLLOWERS!!! GIMME A VERSE OF ‘YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL...

Sun, 10 Feb 2013 16:18:32 -0500

5000+ FOLLOWERS!!! GIMME A VERSE OF ‘YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL TO ME.’

This has been such an awesome year in our lives and, obviously, in the lives of Jay, Bey, and Ye (and even that Kardashian witch of whom we do not speak.) Baby Blue. Kimye. Destiny’s Child reunion times. The Super Bowl. (DAT SUPER BOWL DOE!) In short, thanks for the love.

“This is not my clique. I don’t love these humans. I...

Wed, 06 Feb 2013 03:11:39 -0500

“This is not my clique. I don’t love these humans. I love the Knowles-Carters. I miss the shit out of them. I watched Bey on the Super Bowl the other night and it was the first time I’d seen her face in forever. And I wasn’t even really seeing her face, you know? Like, in person? And listen- listen- she killed it. She murdered it. And I was so happy for her but I was also so- I was just about to say sad, but it’s not sad. It’s not that. It’s not anything I can put a name on.”

“A storm is coming… Kardashian spawn. She has been...

Mon, 31 Dec 2012 00:57:19 -0500

“A storm is coming… Kardashian spawn. She has been planning this for— for— I mean, she couldn’t even give poor Blue one motherfucking year in the spotlight before she— ugh. And it’s sad, you know— because, because, listen— I’m thrilled for Kanye. I am. But Kim… Kimberly Noel Kardashian… I hope she gets super fucking fat. I truly do. And not cute fat. Ugly fat. Super ugly fucking fat.”

Jay and Bey have this game they like to play with me when they...

Sun, 30 Dec 2012 20:10:00 -0500

Jay and Bey have this game they like to play with me when they go on vacation. They don’t like to tell which hotel room they’re staying in, HAHAHA. Bunch of clowns. They always call and say something like,

“You’re not welcome”

“We won’t be staying long.”

“You have to stop force feeding Baby Blue Godiva chocolates. She can’t digest them!”

“AAAHHHH, GOD IT’S HIM.”

They are a pair of pranksters. This hotel has…19 floors. So, imma start with 1 and work my way up. HAHA, love ‘em.

“I had so many missed calls from Kanye today that I had to...

Sun, 23 Dec 2012 01:24:02 -0500

“I had so many missed calls from Kanye today that I had to put my phone on airplane mode. I can’t— I can’t, anymore. I just cannot do this. I couldn’t find the strength to get out of my pajamas this morning. I’ve had three panic attacks since noon. There has to be a way out.”

“JAY! Stop the show. I think I forgot to feed my...

Sat, 22 Dec 2012 19:16:56 -0500

“JAY! Stop the show. I think I forgot to feed my Tamagotchi.”

“fool, if you don’t keep rapping… I’ll hit reset on that shit.”

“George Bush doesn’t care about black...

Thu, 20 Dec 2012 20:29:55 -0500

“George Bush doesn’t care about black people…” -Kanye West

“Jay, this is a Youtube classic. It tops ‘Scarlet Takes’ a Tumble and ‘Charlie Bit My Finger.”

“Jay. It’s so amazing how he can entertain himself...

Wed, 19 Dec 2012 13:53:56 -0500

“Jay. It’s so amazing how he can entertain himself for hours and hours… just by rolling around in his gold doubloons and thinking of words that rhyme with Maybach.”

“I’m working on a new track with Suri Cruise....

Mon, 22 Oct 2012 14:13:26 -0400

“I’m working on a new track with Suri Cruise. Beyonce wants me to sample some tracks since…Baby blue? Baby shoe? Baby J-Crew? has started to hum. To be honest, Baby View, sounded a little out of tune, but that’s nothing Auto-tune can’t fix. I’m just gonna sample the ‘Pop That’ track and mix it with ‘Dangerously In Love Part II’. Ratchet meets Hood Love, Scientology meets Baptist, that’s the feel I’m going for.”

“Bey, I just got a text from...

Mon, 17 Sep 2012 21:44:38 -0400

“Bey, I just got a text from Kanye.”

“Don’t open it…”

“He said, ‘Still battling for custody of my inner child. The judges won’t help me, Kim don’t understand, and I need my inner child!’ I’m not responding.”

“Look at your phone again, Jay.”

“Damn 22 new messages, 8 voicemails, and one poke on facebook?”

“Silly rabbit, the iphone tells people when you read a message. You gon’ learn to listen.”

“We hadn’t heard from Ye in about a week, and so we...

Tue, 04 Sep 2012 22:09:32 -0400

“We hadn’t heard from Ye in about a week, and so we went over to his house— just, you know, just to make sure everything was cool, everything was kosher… No one was home, but, um, we know where he keeps his spare key— it’s underneath the ruby-encrusted jaguar statue on the front porch— and what we found… What we found may change the face of our friendship forever… He even… He even has a Destiny’s Child album up there…”

“Baby Blue is gonna love these gifts Kim. You are so...

Thu, 23 Aug 2012 19:12:49 -0400

“Baby Blue is gonna love these gifts Kim. You are so thoughtful.”

“Ye, regifting my wedding gifts is nothing. There are so many, even after my mom took all the stuff she liked. And this garter is gonna look so cute as a headband for Baby Blue.”

“Kim, before this ride starts, I wanted to say I noticed...

Tue, 14 Aug 2012 13:33:31 -0400

“Kim, before this ride starts, I wanted to say I noticed you only had 10 copies of Watch The Throne. If you commit to buying 151 more copies, I will instruct the employees to fastening your seat-belt and we can continue on in love. If not, you’re gonna get dropped like my next album…hard.”

“…This was waiting for us in our mailbox this...

Tue, 07 Aug 2012 14:40:41 -0400

“…This was waiting for us in our mailbox this morning. And, to us, you know, this is- this is, like, the equivalent of waking up to a motherfuckin’ horse’s head in our bed. Our troubled, treasured Kanye… Slipping through our fingers. We’re losing him… to them…”

“So… Jay… Tell me again why Ye is just sitting...

Sun, 05 Aug 2012 21:45:24 -0400

“So… Jay… Tell me again why Ye is just sitting criss-cross-apple-sauce up on the beach?”

“I told you already. I don’t think he’s ready to admit it, but I am positive that he is tremendously and irrationally frightened of the ocean.”

“We are in St. Fuckin’ Barts. We are on an island paradise. That man’s issues run so deep… I… I don’t- Jesus Christ. Never in my life.”

“Jay, when I said I wanted a break from Kanye, I really...

Wed, 25 Jul 2012 23:03:35 -0400

“Jay, when I said I wanted a break from Kanye, I really didn’t think there was anyway you could make it worse.”

“Bey, I brought Kelly.”

“Boy, I know. Now I have to fake smile all night. I can just feel her sucking my shine. One thing I know, things that begin with ‘K’ are bad for me. Killer Bees, Kufis, Kanye, and Kelly Soul Sucking Rowland.”

“Jaaaay, Jaaaaaaay! I found him, he is over here scaring...

Thu, 12 Jul 2012 21:10:18 -0400

“Jaaaay, Jaaaaaaay! I found him, he is over here scaring these folks in VIP. He keeps screaming, ‘ello, ello, ello, hello white america, assassinate my character.’ To every single one of ‘em Jay. He grabbed GWYNETH PALTROW, and screamed it in her ear. She is not happy, Jay. I’m trying to get Baby Blue to do a duet with Baby Apple, and I’ll be damned if I see another baby get the spot. You better call this boy back on stage. My child will be a singing sensation across Bey’s Great Nation, or my name ain’t Beyonce Run The World Knowles-Carter. Amen!”

“I cannot believe we saved Ye’s seat for him until...

Mon, 09 Jul 2012 16:02:22 -0400

“I cannot believe we saved Ye’s seat for him until the very last minute and he never showed… He’s been spending so much time with Kim lately… Bey, I’m very frightened. What if he likes that troll-faced fuck Scott Disick better than me? What if?”

“Don’t be silly. Kanye loves you! That will never happen, Jay.”

“Maybe it already has… Maybe… it… already… has.”

“I’ve been sitting here since I left the BET awards....

Tue, 03 Jul 2012 17:58:17 -0400

“I’ve been sitting here since I left the BET awards. I keep watching the part where Jay interrupted my acceptance speech. After hours and hours of playback footage, I realized why I love this man. He waited three years to teach me my lesson. THREE WHOLE YEARS, Y’ALL. Now that’s some grown-up parenting shit if I’ve ever seen it. Like he went all Heathcliff Huxtable on my ass. I was definitely Vanessa Huxtable in this situation; I thought I got away with it, but BAM, Jay “Heathcliff” Z came in and shut my shit down. Thanks Jay, I needed some of that Huxtable Tough Love.”