"Jay… I’ve just had the most wondrous idea!! Listen. What if… we sent Kim Kardashian… into outer space?”
"We could pretend that we were filming the Liftoff video in actual outer space and invite her to be in it. And then- sneakily put her on a shuttle- and just launch her into orbit.”
"…That- that is just not realistic. Or kind. Or legal."
"But think of how good it would be for all of us!! Especially poor Kanye… Caught in her web of lies and Japanese hair straightening…"
"… I love you, but you frighten me sometimes. This is your second-darkest moment. The first being Ring the Alarm.”
"Hey Jay, let me talk to you real quick. I’m glad you could make my semi-annual, one man musical ‘Othello’. I noticed, however, that Bey is not in attendance, once again. I need the family’s full support in my artistic endeavors to create what I create, I.E. ‘808 Heartbreak’. She is making onto my Naughty List, Jay.”
"Ye, she has to be with the baby."
"I know her name Jay, but I’m trying to give you alternatives."
"I don’t know what’s wrong. I mean, Jay and I are having a great time with Diddy. But I can’t shake this feeling that something’s not right. Could it be… Kanye? Could I really be missing Kanye West? No. Never! Pull yourself together, Beyonce! I mean, when we go out with Ye, he’s always surreptitiously humming his own music to himself, he always gets drunk and tries to order twenty things of cotton candy, he always shows me this one youtube video of this mute golden retriever, and tells me over and over that he feels this distant but weirdly intense soul connection with it, he’s always… Shit. You know what? …He’s always making me laugh. Always… making me laugh…”
"This is Blue Steel, Jay."
"I know what this is."
"This is what Zoolander taught me when you abandoned me last week."
"His name is Ben Stiller and I was at a dinner function for literally an hour.”
"Jay.. You know, I wasn’t going to say anything, but-"
"Kanye dressed me."
"I thought that I wanted new friends but this… this is not what I want at all. I do not want to be hanging out with Zoolander. I miss Jay. I miss Bey. I miss Blue Ivy even though she can’t yet contribute artistically or emotionally to our friendship."