“Kanye just texted me… He wants me to tell you that he says he apologizes. Again. From the bottom of his heart. And he wants to know if you got the bouquet and the ‘I’m Sorry’ teddy bear.”
“Fine. Whatever. You can tell him I accept his lame-ass apology. But give him fair warning that if he ever, ever again suggests I reunite with Destiny’s Child… I will end him. End him.”
“Kanye and Bey got into it over who had the best vocals in the game. Bey said she did, and that Ye was nothing more than a bootleg T-pain. Ye, of course, then said Bey was 2 bags of chips away from obesity and disability checks. Now he made me come over and remove any and all murals that he has in his home of Bey. I’ve been here for 8 hours, I still have to remove the 8 foot statue of Bey holding Ye like the Madonna. Imma put it on craigslist.”
“I… I love you, Kanye.”
“Aw, I love you too, K-Squared! And by ‘love,’ of course, I mean ‘am both fearful of and compelled by your butt.’ Seriously, is it, like, a hologram? Is it like the same technology they used to bring Tupac back at Coachella? I gotta know, Kim, I just… I gotta know already, it’s keeping me up at night… Is it being constantly stung by tiny invisible bees to which you are highly allergic? …Did you anger an evil wizard?”
“No…there is no way. She’s not that damn crazy. Did she really just, oh laaawd. Jay, Kim K. hired a body double and had it attend one of the Watch The Throne shows. She could have at least got someone with a better jheri curl. And that pasty ass forehead? No one can believe that’s me, right? Omg, omg, omg, omg. Someone help, she is trying to steal me, she is trying to steal my presence. SOMEONE HELP. Jay, call my publicist. Call a Vet, this beast needs to be put to sleep. She is rabid. Kanye is not safe.”
“Kanye is making me literally watch the throne. He’s terrified that someone’s gonna steal it. How would you even lift it? How would you lift this throne off the ground? God. He thinks he’s a fuckin’ Lannister or some shit. I don’t even watch that show. I don’t understand my own reference. I don’t even know what’s going on. I need to go feed my infant child.”
“Jay…Jaaay! Why is Kanye muttering and smiling to himself?”
“I don’t know Bey, just let the boy have fun.”
“See, this is why people think we’re in the damn Illuminati.”
“Jay… I’ve just had the most wondrous idea!! Listen. What if… we sent Kim Kardashian… into outer space?”
“…Excuse me?”
“We could pretend that we were filming the Liftoff video in actual outer space and invite her to be in it. And then- sneakily put her on a shuttle- and just launch her into orbit.”
“…That- that is just not realistic. Or kind. Or legal.”
“But think of how good it would be for all of us!! Especially poor Kanye… Caught in her web of lies and Japanese hair straightening…”
“… I love you, but you frighten me sometimes. This is your second-darkest moment. The first being Ring the Alarm.”
“Hey Jay, let me talk to you real quick. I’m glad you could make my semi-annual, one man musical ‘Othello’. I noticed, however, that Bey is not in attendance, once again. I need the family’s full support in my artistic endeavors to create what I create, I.E. ‘808 Heartbreak’. She is making onto my Naughty List, Jay.”
“Ye, she has to be with the baby.”
“Baby who?”
“Baby Blue”
“Baby Boo.”
“Baby Blue”
“Baby Sue”
“Baby Blue”
“Bobby Ray”
“Baby Bluuuue”
“I know her name Jay, but I’m trying to give you alternatives.”
“…”
“BEY, Kanye said it was normal if I couldn’t feel my left nut, right?”
“Child…”
“I gotta let him stop DRESSING me!”
“I don’t know what’s wrong. I mean, Jay and I are having a great time with Diddy. But I can’t shake this feeling that something’s not right. Could it be… Kanye? Could I really be missing Kanye West? No. Never! Pull yourself together, Beyonce! I mean, when we go out with Ye, he’s always surreptitiously humming his own music to himself, he always gets drunk and tries to order twenty things of cotton candy, he always shows me this one youtube video of this mute golden retriever, and tells me over and over that he feels this distant but weirdly intense soul connection with it, he’s always… Shit. You know what? …He’s always making me laugh. Always… making me laugh…”
