“Bey, I just got a text from Kanye.”
“Don’t open it…”
“He said, ‘Still battling for custody of my inner child. The judges won’t help me, Kim don’t understand, and I need my inner child!’ I’m not responding.”
“Look at your phone again, Jay.”
“Damn 22 new messages, 8 voicemails, and one poke on facebook?”
“Silly rabbit, the iphone tells people when you read a message. You gon’ learn to listen.”
“We hadn’t heard from Ye in about a week, and so we went over to his house— just, you know, just to make sure everything was cool, everything was kosher… No one was home, but, um, we know where he keeps his spare key— it’s underneath the ruby-encrusted jaguar statue on the front porch— and what we found… What we found may change the face of our friendship forever… He even… He even has a Destiny’s Child album up there…”
“Baby Blue is gonna love these gifts Kim. You are so thoughtful.”
“Ye, regifting my wedding gifts is nothing. There are so many, even after my mom took all the stuff she liked. And this garter is gonna look so cute as a headband for Baby Blue.”
“Kim, before this ride starts, I wanted to say I noticed you only had 10 copies of Watch The Throne. If you commit to buying 151 more copies, I will instruct the employees to fastening your seat-belt and we can continue on in love. If not, you’re gonna get dropped like my next album…hard.”
“…This was waiting for us in our mailbox this morning. And, to us, you know, this is- this is, like, the equivalent of waking up to a motherfuckin’ horse’s head in our bed. Our troubled, treasured Kanye… Slipping through our fingers. We’re losing him… to them…”
“So… Jay… Tell me again why Ye is just sitting criss-cross-apple-sauce up on the beach?”
“I told you already. I don’t think he’s ready to admit it, but I am positive that he is tremendously and irrationally frightened of the ocean.”
“We are in St. Fuckin’ Barts. We are on an island paradise. That man’s issues run so deep… I… I don’t- Jesus Christ. Never in my life.”
“Jay, when I said I wanted a break from Kanye, I really didn’t think there was anyway you could make it worse.”
“Bey, I brought Kelly.”
“Boy, I know. Now I have to fake smile all night. I can just feel her sucking my shine. One thing I know, things that begin with ‘K’ are bad for me. Killer Bees, Kufis, Kanye, and Kelly Soul Sucking Rowland.”
“Jaaaay, Jaaaaaaay! I found him, he is over here scaring these folks in VIP. He keeps screaming, ‘ello, ello, ello, hello white america, assassinate my character.’ To every single one of ‘em Jay. He grabbed GWYNETH PALTROW, and screamed it in her ear. She is not happy, Jay. I’m trying to get Baby Blue to do a duet with Baby Apple, and I’ll be damned if I see another baby get the spot. You better call this boy back on stage. My child will be a singing sensation across Bey’s Great Nation, or my name ain’t Beyonce Run The World Knowles-Carter. Amen!”
“I cannot believe we saved Ye’s seat for him until the very last minute and he never showed… He’s been spending so much time with Kim lately… Bey, I’m very frightened. What if he likes that troll-faced fuck Scott Disick better than me? What if?”
“Don’t be silly. Kanye loves you! That will never happen, Jay.”
“Maybe it already has… Maybe… it… already… has.”
“I’ve been sitting here since I left the BET awards. I keep watching the part where Jay interrupted my acceptance speech. After hours and hours of playback footage, I realized why I love this man. He waited three years to teach me my lesson. THREE WHOLE YEARS, Y’ALL. Now that’s some grown-up parenting shit if I’ve ever seen it. Like he went all Heathcliff Huxtable on my ass. I was definitely Vanessa Huxtable in this situation; I thought I got away with it, but BAM, Jay “Heathcliff” Z came in and shut my shit down. Thanks Jay, I needed some of that Huxtable Tough Love.”
