“It happened, Jay. It happened just as I dreamed it would happen. Kim is humongous. She’s huge. I know, I know… I sound like a soulless contributor to a cultural discourse that publicly and shamelessly attacks women’s bodies for doing things that women’s bodies are supposed to do. I mean. I know. I guess— you know what, Jay, she’s glowing, she’s fucking glowing, and she’s radiant, and— god, I cannot wait to meet this baby. This baby can’t get here fast enough.”
5000+ FOLLOWERS!!! GIMME A VERSE OF ‘YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL TO ME.’
This has been such an awesome year in our lives and, obviously, in the lives of Jay, Bey, and Ye (and even that Kardashian witch of whom we do not speak.) Baby Blue. Kimye. Destiny’s Child reunion times. The Super Bowl. (DAT SUPER BOWL DOE!) In short, thanks for the love.
“This is not my clique. I don’t love these humans. I love the Knowles-Carters. I miss the shit out of them. I watched Bey on the Super Bowl the other night and it was the first time I’d seen her face in forever. And I wasn’t even really seeing her face, you know? Like, in person? And listen- listen- she killed it. She murdered it. And I was so happy for her but I was also so- I was just about to say sad, but it’s not sad. It’s not that. It’s not anything I can put a name on.”
“A storm is coming… Kardashian spawn. She has been planning this for— for— I mean, she couldn’t even give poor Blue one motherfucking year in the spotlight before she— ugh. And it’s sad, you know— because, because, listen— I’m thrilled for Kanye. I am. But Kim… Kimberly Noel Kardashian… I hope she gets super fucking fat. I truly do. And not cute fat. Ugly fat. Super ugly fucking fat.”
Jay and Bey have this game they like to play with me when they go on vacation. They don’t like to tell which hotel room they’re staying in, HAHAHA. Bunch of clowns. They always call and say something like,
“You’re not welcome”
“We won’t be staying long.”
“You have to stop force feeding Baby Blue Godiva chocolates. She can’t digest them!”
“AAAHHHH, GOD IT’S HIM.”
They are a pair of pranksters. This hotel has…19 floors. So, imma start with 1 and work my way up. HAHA, love ‘em.
“I had so many missed calls from Kanye today that I had to put my phone on airplane mode. I can’t— I can’t, anymore. I just cannot do this. I couldn’t find the strength to get out of my pajamas this morning. I’ve had three panic attacks since noon. There has to be a way out.”
“JAY! Stop the show. I think I forgot to feed my Tamagotchi.”
“fool, if you don’t keep rapping… I’ll hit reset on that shit.”
“George Bush doesn’t care about black people…” -Kanye West
“Jay, this is a Youtube classic. It tops ‘Scarlet Takes’ a Tumble and ‘Charlie Bit My Finger.”
“Jay. It’s so amazing how he can entertain himself for hours and hours… just by rolling around in his gold doubloons and thinking of words that rhyme with Maybach.”
“I’m working on a new track with Suri Cruise. Beyonce wants me to sample some tracks since…Baby blue? Baby shoe? Baby J-Crew? has started to hum. To be honest, Baby View, sounded a little out of tune, but that’s nothing Auto-tune can’t fix. I’m just gonna sample the ‘Pop That’ track and mix it with ‘Dangerously In Love Part II’. Ratchet meets Hood Love, Scientology meets Baptist, that’s the feel I’m going for.”
